


Longing

by thumbtwiddler



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-06 07:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16828075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thumbtwiddler/pseuds/thumbtwiddler
Summary: When Leah, the new F1, enters Holby City Hospital things get stirred up in Serena's life. Serena's heart belongs to Bernie but will the long distance between them be too much for their relationship to work or is the love strong enough to survive..?An attempt to write what canon didn't give us..





	1. Chapter 1

”My flat is just around the corner” Leah’s bright blue eyes seemed to pierce right through Serena. Serena could feel her throat thicken. Wasn’t sure if it was from being flattered, feeling angry or .. lust?

“Actually I should.. I should probably call a cab. Early start tomorrow.” 

Serena swallowed a last sip of wine and put down her glass. Without looking at Leah she got up and walked out the door. Tears started to prickle in the corners of her eyes as she reached for her phone to call a taxi. As the screen lit up there was a text from an old friend she hadn’t met for years wishing her a Happy Birthday. No texts or missed call from Bernie.. Serena wiped away the tears, cleared her throat and dialled the number for the taxi. As she put her phone back in her bag she heard the sound of footsteps behind her and turned around to see Leah walking towards her. 

“I’m sorry, Ms Campbell, I must have misread the situation,” Leah said not sounding particularly guilty. 

“There’s nothing to misread” Serena replied in a harsh tone, but then added more softly: “But thank you for joining me celebrating my Birthday”. Leah came up closer, put a hand on Serena’s back and started to stroke gently. “No-one as gorgeous as you should have to celebrate their Birthday alone” she said smiling seductively again. What a nerve that women had! Serena wanted to move away from the touch but her body wouldn’t let her. It was so long since she had been touched like that. And told that she was beautiful. By Bernie.. Her precious Bernie. 

“I..I.. You need to stop this”, Serena could hear how her own voice sounded weak and uncertain. 

“Are you sure?” Leah was about to approach her again.

“Yes!” Serena’s voice was now firm and as she saw the taxi pulling up she turned around one last time looking straight into Leah’s eyes: “This shall never happen again, do you understand? I’m your supervisor and you better know your position or I’ll have you transferred to another ward!” 

As she walked out of the taxi and entered her house Serena suddenly realized how exhausted and drained she was. What a long day it had been. The shock of loosing one of her colleagues this morning had been huge and she still hadn’t had time to process it. Roxanna, the most lovely woman and brilliant surgeon she had not spent so much time with but whom she immediately had liked from the start was inevitably gone forever. The thought filled her eyes with tears and her stomach ached from supressed emotions. How she missed having Bernie around! Talking to Bernie about everything, cuddling with Bernie on the couch watching TV at night, waking up in the morning with Bernie’s body close to hers. She missed her insane laughter, the halo of golden curls caressing her face every time they were close. She missed her warmth, her strength, her awkwardness, her delicate soul, everything that Bernie represented in her life. It had been so long now since they had seen each other in the flesh. Skype calls always made her miss Bernie even more after so they had decided to stay in touch mostly by phone or e-mail. The first months apart they had talked on the phone at least 2-3 times a week, and had texted every day. Nowadays it was less frequent. Serena knew Bernie had her hands full in Nairobi and the time difference made it difficult sometimes to talk before bedtime when Bernie might still be at work by the time Serena had to go to sleep. But sometimes she wondered if Bernie still felt the same about her.. If she still wanted to wait for eternity for them to be together. Why hadn’t Bernie called today? Had she forgotten it was her Birthday? Suddenly it dawned on Serena that she had forgotten to bring home the flowers she had received from Bernie earlier. They were still in her office. Serena looked at her watch. It was nearly12.30am and she had to get up in less than 6 hours. Just the thought made her feel even more exhausted but she desperately needed to talk to Bernie. The time difference by 2 hours meant it was only 10.30pm in Nairobi and Bernie might still be awake. She dialled her number with shaky fingers, longing to hear her voice and at the same time feeling angry with her for not calling on her Birthday. Also containing a feeling of something else. Guilt perhaps..?  
The phone rang a couple of times before it went to the answering machine. Bernie’s voice in the short voice message sounded cold and distant, and Serena couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. She didn’t bother taking of her make-up, just stripped quickly out of her clothes and straight into bed where she soon drifted away into a dreamless sleep. 

\------ 

Meanwhile in Nairobi..

“Ms Wolfe, are you awake?” Bernie’s vision was blurry at first but then she started focus and cleared her throat to answer the nurse standing by her bed. 

“Yes I am”. She stretched out her limbs, immediately hit by an intense headache. 

“How long have I been out for?” Bernie suddenly remembered everything; the riot, the fight between members of different political organizations, which took place earlier this day just outside the hospital. Several people had had been injured and Bernie and some of her colleagues had rushed out to help. Bernie remembered being pushed with great force trying to get in the middle of people fighting. Stupid, she knew that, but also she wasn’t unfamiliar with these kinds of riots from her time in the army. She remembered a hard knock on the head from an unknown object and then.. Blackout. 

“You have been unconscious for about 10 hours” the nurse answered. “MRI scan shows there is a small amount of swelling in the brain and you have a moderate concussion. 

Bernie exhaled slowly. Tears threatened to emerge from the corners of her eyes when the nurse had left the room. Not from the fact that she was injured. She had experienced far worse before and she was sure this was going to heal well. But as she looked around in the hospital room, the same hospital she was so familiar with as a trauma surgeon, she suddenly felt alone and so very far from home. From Serena.,, The woman she loved with all her heart and soul, and whom she was willing to wait for, for as long as it might take. For eternity..  
And then she remembered; it was Serena’s birthday!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably the worst timing for posting the next chapter but it was ready so... here it goes.

Serena woke up the next day a couple of minutes before her alarm went off. A mild headache reminded her of the night before. A bit too much wine on a “school night”, unusual behaviour but it had been her birthday after all. Also unusual was the feeling of something else creeping up on her as she left the warm duvet to get up and make ready for the day. A sense of guilt? Had she really considered Leah’s rude offer last night? No, of course not. She had been flattered, no doubt, but the last thing she wished was to cheat on Bernie. Had she been tempted? Serena looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. Yes. Yes, she had.. 

\--------

Bernie woke up the next day with a headache too. New tests showed the swelling in her brain had not gotten any worse and she knew the pain was mainly from the concussion and to be expected. She looked up at the ceiling trying to gather her thoughts. Cursed inwardly regretting she had written such a lousy letter along with the flowers for Serena’s birthday. She was not one for letting out her emotions easily but this was Serena… Her great love in life. At the time she thought it best not to promise anything she couldn’t keep, if she had been caught up with something that made it difficult to call. And boy had she been right there. But she knew Serena would be disappointed by not hearing from her. It had been too late to call last night when she finally had been able to as she knew Serena was on an early shift today so Bernie had decided to get as much sleep as possible and call the next morning. She reached for her phone, smiled at the photo of her and Serena on the screensaver that Serena had put there for her. “So you don’t forget about me”, Serena had said. As if that was possible, Bernie thought to herself. 

\----------

As she entered the hospital lift Serena felt slightly uncomfortable and nervous. She straightened herself up as she reached the floor on AAU, determent not to let that smug F1 tip her out of her balance again. Which was easier said than done. The day went on with some minor awkward encounters between them. Or at least they made Serena feel awkward. Leah on the other hand seemed hell-bent on letting her know how much she fancies her. At one point during the day Serena found herself grapping Ric Griffin by the hand leading him into her office to hide from Leah. Not very mature but this woman made her feel far too unsettled to care how she acted obviously. She felt so out of her normal self. Thinking about Bernie only made it worse. She missed her so much sometimes it ached through her entire body. Today it was almost unbearable. And the nagging thought of what if it couldn’t work between them? This long-distance thing had taken so much energy out of her already and she wasn’t happy. She had to admit that. She wasn’t happy about being with Bernie this way. Not being able to be in the same room as her; see her brilliant smile, talk to her, touch her, and tell her she loves her more than anything in this world. All these things to her in person, not on some technical devices. Was Bernie happy?

The heavy workload and the hassling from Leah on top of it kept Serena busy the entire shift. It wasn’t until her workday was almost over that she saw the missed call from Bernie from this morning on her phone. Her heart skipped a beat as Bernie’s name appeared on the screen. She felt a strong need to hurry home and call her back.

\-------- 

Bernie had dozed off several times during the day. The room was getting dark as she sat up in the bed feeling a bit better, the headache not so intense anymore. She reached out for her phone at the nightstand. It wasn’t there. She turned the light on and looked around; on the floor, in the bed but no phone in sight. Where the hell was it? It dawned on her it might have been stolen. Not an unfamiliar concept at the hospital unfortunately, like in hospitals everywhere. When a nurse entered the room a short while later Bernie asked her if she had seen her phone. The nurse shook her head in negative confirmation. Bernie let out a deep sigh, knew she had to wait for another day to go shopping for a new phone. 

\---------- 

Serena went into the locker room at the end of the shift to get her things. As she entered she immediately saw she was not alone and of course it had to be Leah of all people. She wondered for a second if she should just close the door and leave but then reminded herself that she couldn’t run away like a teenager every time Leah was nearby. 

“Heavy shift?” Leah asked looking up from buttoning up her trousers. 

“Yes, quite so”, Serena said, not able not to notice that Leah was in a white tank top clinging to her body in delicate ways. 

“Fancy getting a drink at Albie’s before heading home?” Leah continued, her blue eyes piercing through Serena. Serena’s brain tried to make sense of it all. Why on earth did she react this way? What was it about Leah that made her even remotely interested? 

“I better not. Don’t tempt me”, Serena replied as she gathered her things and walked towards the door. 

“That’s what I’m here for”. Leah’s seductive smile was unmistakeable. Serena rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her, heading for the parking lot. She longed to get home and call Bernie back. Needed so much to hear her voice and feel her presence. Again tears threatened to emerge, like they did every time she had thought about Bernie lately. 

Curled up on her couch after dinner, a cup of tea in hand, she pushed the button on her phone for Bernie’s name and listened to the sound of ringing. Please pick up! Again the short message in a distant and rather unfamiliar voice of Bernie’s answering machine was the only contact she received. Serena looked at the time, Bernie was probably still working and therefor busy. She would see the missed call and get back to her. Serena switched on the TV, worked through the channels without finding anything particularly interesting and soon dozed off under her blanket. When she woke up it had gotten dark in the living room. She reached for her phone, already knowing the sound from a call or a text would have woken her up earlier, and looked at the empty screen on her phone. Well not empty perhaps, the screensaver with the photo of Bernie and her smiling looking happy and in love lit up almost painfully to her eyes in the darkened room.


	3. Chapter 3

\-- 3 weeks later --

With just a few days left before Jason’s wedding Serena had her hands full. Work didn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon, her hot flushes the same, and even though Jason was exceptionally well organized regarding his wedding he did need her help from time to time. Which she of course was more than willing to give, she loved him and his little family so dearly. It was just that the last weeks had been hell and her mood was, to say the least, not good. Serena was angry. Angry with Leah and the way she seemed to intrude into her life and shake her up so she became like an unstable, hormonal teenager. Hormonal she was though, this menopause hell she was going through never seemed to end. Or had it just started? She wasn’t sure. There were a lot of things she hadn’t been sure of lately.  
She was angry with Bernie for having left her again buggering off to the other side of the world, even though she knew so well it was her who hadn’t committed to their plans. Recently she was angry with Bernie for not returning her calls, texts or e-mails. She knew Bernie was rubbish at keeping up with her technological communication devises but no one could be so bad at it they didn’t look at their phone or computer for three weeks! Serena had even sent a mail to Bernie’s workplace, because who doesn’t read their work-mails? But obviously Bernie was one of the few who didn’t, or, the thought sent cold shivers down her spine, Bernie might be ignoring her. Radio silence. Like she had done once before..  
Most of all Serena was angry and frustrated with herself because she was longing so much it messed up her life. Longing after the one true love in her life. She had never expected it to happen, not in her age. How many people were lucky enough to meet that person in their lives though? She had experienced a love deeper than she had ever imagined but not enough time to really be together. Her longing made her crazy sometimes and the overwhelming feelings frightened her. To feel so strongly connected to another human being who was thousands of miles away was torture. How long could they cope with this? 

\----------- 

Bernie had been back to work for a week, feeling well rested and pain free. There had been a pile of tasks waiting for her and difficult cases that needed her assessment. She had barely had time to catch up on her e-mails and now she sat in her office looking at one from Serena sent weeks ago. Her instant response had been to reply straight away, because there was something about the way it was written that signalled some kind of despair but then she decided to stick to the idea of a surprise visit flying in for Jason’s wedding. How she longed to see everyone again; Charlotte and Cameron, Jason, Guinevere, her ex colleagues at Holby. But most of all she longed to see Serena of course. She envisioned Serena’s face the last time she had visited; how her amazing, sparkling brown eyes had glowed with surprise, wonder and love. And her blinding smile when she walked towards Bernie for the long awaited embrace. She longed to hold Serena in her arms again, kiss her endlessly, tell her she loves her so much she can’t imagine ever being without her in her life. She longed to touch Serena all over, feel her, taste her, make love to her in the most delicious ways. She felt a pool of desire low in her stomach. In less than 24 hours this could all be a reality. Bernie looked at the time. She had to be at the airport in about 3 hours so she had better start packing up and leave the hospital. 

\------------ 

The next morning started out busy on the ward. Serena and Leah worked closely together the entire shift, having to deal with rather difficult and severe cases. Serena had to admit she was impressed by the way Leah took on new tasks. Leah was fearless, eager to learn and never one to withdraw from challenges. She was also charming, flirty and had a habit of touching Serena at any chance given.. On the arm, on her back, she had even started to touch her hair sometimes. These touches felt way too intimate to be considered appropriate for a work-relationship and Serena screamed inwardly for her to stop. But she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. It made her feel.. seen? And valued and desired.. And somehow it eased a tiny part of her pain.

At the end of the shift, which required some overtime, they walked together down the empty hospital corridor. Both exhausted but also relieved things had turned out well with all the patients today. Not all days were like this.

“Thank you for all your hard work today dr. Faulkner”, Serena said smiling, unconsciously patting Leah on the arm. “You really are a credit to the hospital”. 

Leah stopped and turned towards Serena, Serena could feel her hot breath on her cheek as Leah leaned in closer. 

“Always a pleasure working with you, Ms Campbell” she whispered, one hand stroking Serena’s back as she leaned even closer. Their lips met and for a brief moment it was like Serena’s brain shut off and her body reacted on pure impulse. Her mouth opened for the kiss and a sudden rush of pleasure run through her body. She was well aware of the physiological responses of course, that it was natural for the nerve endings to respond like this, especially since she wasn’t entirely unaffected by this woman. Why this thought even went through her mind this moment she had no idea. Perhaps some kind of defense mechanism. As if burned she retracted herself from Leah, her heart pondering hard in her chest. Not from the action itself. Not from Leah’s lips on hers or Leah’s body close to her. All she could think about was Bernie. Her dearest Bernie. How utterly wrong it was to kiss anyone else than Bernie. She immediately felt sick and walked down the corridor in a hasty pace ignoring Leah’s attempt to call out to her. 

\--------------- 

As Bernie entered the main entrance of Holby City hospital memories from her time here immediately started floating through her mind. So many memories. She remembered the feeling she had walking this same distance when she came back from Kiev. The big lump of insecurity in her stomach, the almost desperate hunger for finally being able to see Serena again mixed with an overwhelming anxiety that Serena might not feel the same about her. This time it was different. Their love for each other were solid. Before she went back to Nairobi Serena had asked her to wait for her, for as long as it might take. The love shining through Serena’s eyes that day had been unmistakeable. And the 48 hours before her return to the airport had been.. unforgettable in the most delicate ways.. Bernie smiled and felt her stomach flip by the thought of their naked bodies pressed together and the feeling of utter content. Being with Serena was like nothing she had ever experienced before with anyone else. And here she was, on her way to meet Serena again after 6 months apart. She quickened up her pace, eager to hold Serena in her arms again. 

She had asked one of the nurses on AAU where Ms Campbell may be located, being told Serena had just finished up for the day with the possibility she might be too late if Serena already had left. Walking towards the corridor where Serena supposedly was to be found if still at the hospital she heard the sound of two people talking in a low voice. Her heartbeat quickened as she immediately recognized one of the voices. A bright smile starting to form on her lips. Serena! Finally. She turned the corner and as she was about to joyously shout out Serena’s name the two women, who obviously had been heading towards her direction, had stopped and were facing each other. Very closely. As a massive stab to her chest she witnessed the two women kiss, Serena leaning into this young, blonde, short-haired woman Bernie had never seen before. Pressed into hiding in an office entrance Bernie tried her best to calm down the sharp, rapid breathing, fighting the tears threatening to explode in her eyes and get the overwhelming emotions under control as Serena walked hastily past her, not noticing her presence. 

\------------- 

As Serena reached the end of the corridor she turned her head for a quick glance. Leah had vanished, thank God, but partly hidden, in the shadows of an office entrance, a cascade of blonde, messy curls made a silhouette against the opposite wall. The image was unmistakeably recognizable. Serena’s heart cried out with joy and her mind was filled with surprise, wonder and panic all at once. Bernie!


	4. Chapter 4

“Auntie Serena, where is auntie Bernie?” 

Jason stood in front of the mirror tying the knot on his tie. He looked handsome in his bright, blue suit, Serena thought to herself, so grown-up, so ready to take on a world of responsibilities. Responsibilities he already had committed to quite some time ago for that matter, but the commitment he was about to make today had sent Serena down the memory lane of her own marriage experience. Not a very pleasant one. But she was positive things were going to go well for Jason. 

“I.. I’m not sure if Bernie is coming today dear”, Serena replied, the pain in her voice evident. 

“Why? Have you two broken up again?” Jason lifted one of his eyebrows in the questionable manner he often did when he thought something was not right, or more to the point; when something was straight out ridiculous. 

“No, yes, oh I don’t know, Jason”, Serena looked at them both in the mirror, tried to keep on a brave smile. This was Jason’s big day and she intended to do all in her power to make it the very best. She missed the time when they had lived together but she could not be prouder of the man he was today with a soon-to-be wife and a precious little daughter in his life. She put her arms around him.

“You look very handsome, Jason, I’m so proud of you”.

“That’s stupid auntie Serena”, Jason was not willing to let the subject go. “I mean, you two obviously love each other and Bernie travels thousands of miles to come here and be with us because we are family and you don’t know if you’re together anymore? I just don’t get it”, Jason shook his head in disbelief. 

Serena swallowed hard, tears threatened to spring from the corners of her eyes. Her mind wandered back two days earlier, to the hospital corridor where she, after having stood frozen to the ground for what felt like an eternity, finally had walked over and pulled Bernie out of the shadows. 

\-----

“Bernie, you're here!” Serena’s mouth was dry as sand and it felt like her breath got strangled in her chest. Unsure of what to do she remained standing still in front of Bernie. Her entire system screamed to pull Bernie close but she was too scared.  
Bernie was looking down at the floor.

“Yes”, she whispered barely noticeable. “Surprise..”. 

“Bernie, what.. what you just saw.. it wasn’t.. it isn’t..” 

Bernie looked up; her hazel brown eyes met with Serena’s dark brown for the first time after all these months apart and they both felt the air thicken around them. Serena’s heart cried out. Her beloved Bernie, standing in front of her looking so sad, she could not bear it and had to look away. How she had longed for this moment. Dreamed of it so many times, imagined it. But never, ever like this. 

“Bernie please, let’s talk, let me explain”. The despair in Serena’s voice was evident. Bernie nodded. Serena let out a sigh of relief as Bernie followed her down the corridor into Serena’s office. Bernie had not just left her. Yet. She knew what she probably deserved was Bernie abandoning her on the spot instead of politely listening to her trying to explain any reasons for this mess. 

“I’ve been.. it’s all been so difficult..” Serena started, well aware that this was a stupid way to begin. As if she tried to justify her recent action.

Bernie tilted her head slightly, her eyes squinting as if she awaited to find a meaning to the words coming from Serena. Serena decided to let it all out; the months of frustration, all the anger, her doubts, her bodily struggles, her endless longing for Bernie, the “thing” with Leah..

“What you saw was the first time anything happened, Bernie”. Serena’s voice was thin and pleading. “And it felt so wrong, so very wrong. Please believe me”. 

“Except from weeks of flirting leading up to it?” Bernie replied, slightly distant. 

“No! Well yes, she did flirt, maybe we both did, I don’t know, but it was never like I wanted anything to happen between us. And I was so angry with you! You never returned any of my calls these last couple of weeks, no mails, texts, just nothing Bernie. Complete radio silence”.  
Serena knew it was wrong taking it out on Bernie this way, as it was Bernie’s fault, but she could not stop herself. 

“You didn’t even bother to call or text for my birthday!” Tears were streaming down Serena’s face by now; she wiped them away with an angry gesture. “I have missed you like crazy all this time. I have dreamed about you, about us, every day and night ever since you left. I have longed for you in all ways possible. I know I have probably screwed it all up now and I’m so, so sorry Bernie. I really am”. Serena could not hold back crying anymore and she did not bother to try. 

Bernie remained silent for a couple of minutes. Twitched her fingers several times in her lap, eyes fixed on the floor and then cleared her throat. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered softly. “For not returning your calls or respond to your texts and e-mails. I’ve just.. been so extremely busy. I know it’s rubbish and not an excuse, and I really should have gotten back to you. But after the accident, yes well I had an accident where I was injured, but that’s…”

“Y-y you’ve been injured?” Serena eyes widened.

“Yes, unfortunately on your birthday. A knock on the head, I was unconscious for a while after and then my phone went missing and it took me some time to get a new one. Still, I should have made more effort to stay in touch with you Serena. Sorry.”

The thought of Bernie alone in a hospital bed thousands of miles away without anyone close to her to be there made Serena’s heart ache like knives piercing through. 

“Oh Bernie”. 

Before they said their goodbyes that evening, Bernie heading for a hotel nearby, Serena asked silently: 

“What now?” 

“I don’t know”. Bernie replied softly. “I need some time to think”.

Serena watched as Bernie walked away. All she wanted to do was to run after her, hold her impossibly tight and never let her go. They had not even hugged! The thought was so sad and tears were streaming down Serena’s face again. But she could not run after her. She needed to give Bernie the time and space she had asked for. She could only hope Bernie did not take a plane back to Nairobi without seeing her…

When Serena went to bed that night she could not let go of the thought of Bernie finally being in the same town after so many months apart, and yet she felt further away from her than ever. Bernie should have been here; they should have been together sharing the bed, sharing their future. How on earth could she have been so ridiculously thoughtless acting on an impulse with Leah? She felt sick to the bone. She may have destroyed the most precious, valuable and, without any doubt, the most fantastic relationship she had ever experienced. The thought was unbearable. Her longing for Bernie was unbearable. It was like a deep, infinite void in her that could never be filled by anyone else. Only Bernie. 

\---------- 

“Auntie Serena, are you ready? We have to leave soon”. 

Serena looked at herself in the mirror. She stroke her hands over the knee-length black dress which shaped her curves delicately, put on some extra lipstick, gave herself an encouraging smile and turned around. 

“Yes Jason, I’m ready”.


	5. Chapter 5

The ceremony was about to start. Serena took a quick glance around in the small chapel, familiar faces to be seen everywhere. She smiled encouragingly to Greta’s mum who was seated at the opposite side of the small aisle. Greta’s mum smiled nervously back, holding Guinevere close on her lap. She spotted Hanssen, Dom, Essie and several other colleagues further back. Donna on the third row looked stunningly and was beaming with love each time she looked up at Xavier who had now taken place as Jason’s best man by the altar. She appreciated them all but the absence of a particular loved one made her heart ache. How she wished..  
Jason made his entrance, took a short glance at the crowd and announced: 

“Thank you all for coming. Let’s get this over with so we can all eat and enjoy ourselves”. 

Instant laughter amongst the guests before it went quiet again and they all waited for the bride to enter. Serena heard footsteps coming closer to where she was seated. Familiar footsteps. Was it..? She looked up.

“Hi, sorry I’m late. There was a roadblock on the way over causing a bit of a traffic jam”. Bernie let out a sigh as she sat down beside Serena. Their arms briefly touching as Bernie twisted herself out of her black coat.

Serena’s pulse quickened. She felt so relieved, happy and anxious. Bernie came! But of course she did, Bernie would never have let Jason down by not showing up. She was here for Jason but Serena decided to savour the moment of being close to her again. In case this was it… 

The music started and Greta appeared at the end of the aisle. In an obvious attempt to follow the rhythm of the music she started a stumbling walk towards the altar where Jason, beaming with pride, stood waiting. 

“Ah, she’s beautiful” Bernie whispered in Serena’s ear. 

Serena had to fight the instant urge to lean into Bernie, grab her hand and sit close for the rest of the ceremony. For the rest of their lives.. The hot air of Bernie’s breath on her neck lingered like a sweet kiss. 

“Yes, yes she is.” Serena replied silently. And so was Bernie, Serena thought to herself. So beautiful it hurt. Her mind wandered off to the first time she saw this striking woman. Bernie in her pink coat walking out into the parking lot with an unlit cigarette in her mouth. The immediate feeling of a deep connection when they shook hands and, even back then, a longing to be near each other whenever they had a chance at work. Their growing friendship, the revelation that this was far more than just a friendship and the manifestation of their love. All this flickered through Serena’s mind and somehow felt like a distant dream now. She threw stolen glances to her side. Underneath her coat Bernie revealed a black tailored suit with a white shirt, and her golden curls danced lightly on her shoulders. Serena’s eyes welled up with tears. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Being together at Jason’s wedding not knowing where they stand with each other. And who’s fault was that..? Serena wanted to swear out loud in the small chapel. The possibility she had ruined it all was overwhelming. She swallowed hard and shifted her focus to concentrate on the ceremony instead. 

“I’m so happy you are here auntie Bernie”. Jason guided them to their seats at the small venue where the wedding reception was held.  
“Auntie Serena wasn’t sure you were coming. You two don’t communicate much, do you?” 

Bernie and Serena both rolled their eyes, well aware Jason was very much to the point. Their lack of communication lately had not exactly done them good. 

After the food had been served, speeches being held and the waiters had cleared the tables, the music played up and people started mingling. Bernie and Serena were left alone at their table. During dinner they had joined in conversations with the rest, avoiding talking just the two of them. There was an awkward silence between them. 

“So, how long are you here for?” Serena then asked tentatively. 

“I have a flight back on Monday” Bernie replied quietly. Two days of her visit already gone. Spent in a hotel. Not exactly how she had imagined it.. 

“And.. how long have you planned to stay in Nairobi?” Serena swallowed hard, dreading the answer. They had hardly ever talked about that on the phone. They used to talk about their day at work, perhaps gossiping about mutual friends and colleagues. And they also used to have hot and steamy conversations that turned them both on so much they breathed heavily down the phone touching themselves with the other’s titillating words in their ears. 

“Maybe another year.” Bernie looked down at the table.  
“Or two..”

Two years! Serena felt a lump building up in her chest. That is a very long time. She could not bear to long for Bernie for possibly another two years. Perhaps she unconsciously had drifted into the temptation with Leah because she knew the long distance relationship with Bernie could not work out? If they even had a relationship anymore to worry about… 

“But…” Bernie started, falling silently into staring down at the table again.

“What?”

“I had perhaps another plan too”. Bernie looked up, sadness combined with something else written on her face. Was it hope?

“Yes?” Serena felt her breath getting hitched deep down in her throat.

“I have thought about moving home sooner. Much sooner. I don’t want this vagabond life forever, Serena. I could rearrange my contract and be home in about 3 months. The trauma unit in Nairobi is running like a well-oiled machine now, they don’t really need me there. I could come home to you Serena. To be with you for real. Because I thought that was what we both wanted. To be together, live together. But now…” Her words faded slowly. 

Serena tried to grasp the meaning behind this new information. In short flashes she pictured a domestic life with Bernie: Bernie coming home late at night after working overtime, throwing her things around in the bathroom before taking a well earned shower, and Serena probably being the one who had to clean up her things after. Bernie making attempts to cook dinner when it was Serena’s turn to be home late, with various results. She pictured Bernie playing with Guinevere, pushing her on the swing. Or Bernie putting the bin out in her slippers at 5am in the morning because they both had forgotten about it the night before.  
Was that the life she wanted with Bernie? An ordinary life full of random, domestic obligations? Her heart grew impossibly warm thinking of these scenarios. Of course that was what she wanted! She had dreamed of a life like that ever since the day she knew that this woman was the true love of her life. The one she cannot imagine living without. The woman she had asked to wait for her for eternity.  
But now..? The elephant in the room. Leah.. 

“I – I have been very angry with you these past two days Serena. And sad and disappointed.” Bernie cleared her voice. Talking about emotions was not her strongest side and Serena knew how much of an effort it was for Bernie to do have this conversation. 

“You hurt me, Serena. But we all make mistakes. As you know I have done my fair share in life and people were hurt. People I cared deeply about”. Bernie’s voice was soft and low, she was almost whispering.  
“Laying in my bed at the hotel, alone when I had imagined being with you, got me thinking about priorities. What is most important in life? I could have a career travelling around the world setting up trauma units. Would that make me happy? Maybe. Probably. But I wouldn’t have you in my daily life then. And I know that being with you makes me happy. It makes me feel whole and complete and loved. So the choice is simple really…. I choose you”. 

Serena had listened with bated breath. She was not sure she could trust her own ears. Was it really true? Did Bernie want a life with her here in Holby? Even after what she had done to her two days ago? She put her hand over Bernie’s on the table, holding it tight. 

“Bernie, I’m so sorry I hurt you. So very sorry. You make me incredibly happy saying this, I almost can’t believe it”. Tears started to stream down her face. She did not care to wipe them away. They were tears of joy and contentment. 

“Dance with me?” Bernie asked smiling, squeezing Serena’s hand lightly. 

“Yes please.” Serena replied breathlessly, got up and let her woman lead her to the dance floor. 

Their bodies pressed together as tight as possible they moved in rhythm with the slow, soft music. It was the first time they were close like this in 6 months. They whispered words of love and devotion in each other’s ears. And other words that sent hot stabs of pleasure down their spines. Serena broke out of Bernie’s neck for a moment to look into her eyes. She trailed a hand through Bernie’s delicate hair. 

“Bernie?”

Bernie looked into Serena’s dark brown eyes that were filled with love and passion.

“Yes my love?” she replied softly, stroking Serena’s cheek with her thumb. 

“I have missed you so, so much Bernie, you have no idea. I can’t wait for the future to come. Our future.” 

Bernie smiled and nodded.

“Me too.” She leaned in close, her mouth on Serena’s ear and whispered:

“And I can’t wait to make love to you Serena.” 

Hot stabs of desire rushed through Serena’s entire body, her pulse rapidly rising and her breath became ragged. Bernie’s fingers caressing her back made her feel like she was about to loose her balance.

“Oh God, Bernie,” she whispered short breathed in Bernie’s ear. 

The desire was reflected in Bernie's eyes.

“Take me home Serena.”


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as the front door closes behind them Bernie turns towards Serena, gathers her in her arms and presses her firmly against the wall in the hallway. Her lips eagerly finding Serena’s and kissing after being apart for so long they both moan loudly at the first touch of tongues. They remove each other’s coats rapidly, letting them fall to the floor. Bernie trailing her hands up and down Serena’s body, in need of touching her all over at once. It has been so long. 

“Oh Serena. I’ve missed you so much,” she pants against Serena’s lips. 

Serena is still bewildered over the fact that not only has Bernie forgiven her but she has also decided to stay permanently. They are going to be together for real. Live together and share their future together. The reality of this has probably not hit in full strength yet but Serena is filled with a glorious feeling of content and utter joy, something she has not felt in a very long time, and with a love so deep she did not think was possible. Although right this moment she is most of all filled with sensations that are almost too much to handle. The weight of Bernie’s body pressed against hers, slowly rocking making just the right friction is so delicious she feels she can almost come like this.

“Bernie, bedroom,” she gasps. 

Her desire reflected in Bernie’s dark eyes and flushed cheeks, they practically drag each other up the stairs. In the dim light of two small lamps on the nightstands they start to undress each other. Slowly at first, drinking in the sight of the other like it is the first time. Unable to stop kissing, moaning in each other’s mouth. As more skin is revealed they both feel a sudden need to hurry up the pace. The rest of the clothes are hastily dropped to the floor and pressed together they move towards the bed without breaking contact. The sensation as their naked bodies slide against each other for the first time in six months is so overwhelming they both growl loudly. Every touch, every movement feels electric. 

“Bernie”, Serena whispers as Bernie lies on top of her, kissing her neck and then her jaw in the most delightful way, hands sliding up and down at her sides. It feels heavenly but she cannot give herself entirely to the moment yet, too much guilt still present. She cups Bernie’s face with both hands and looks into those dark brown, beautiful eyes and her heart flutters. Will she ever get used to having those eyes looking at her this way?

“Bernie, I need you to know how much I’ve missed you. How much I’ve longed for you all these months and how much I love you. I love you so much it..”, her voice cracks and tears start streaming down her face. 

“I know”, Bernie kisses the tears on her cheeks. “I know darling. I’m here now. And I love you.” 

It is like these reassuring words along with the tone of Bernie’s deep, soothing voice finally makes Serena relax. Bernie is here looking so hot and flushed and delicious it is not possible to think of anything else anymore. She can feel how wet Bernie is on her thigh and it makes her brain foggy and sends hot throbs between her legs. She kisses Bernie with a force that makes Bernie whimper and buck against her thigh. Serena rolls them over to the side and exchanges place with Bernie, being the one on top. Bernie’s eyes widens as Serena slowly kisses her way down Bernie’s neck and chest. Kisses the faint scar on her sternum, thinking for a short moment that this is what brought them together in a sense. Has to kiss it once more and trails her fingers along the uneven lines. It seems like Bernie silently understands her thoughts, a small tear falling on her cheek and she strokes Serena’s hair gently.  
Serena moves her mouth to Bernie’s beautiful, pale breasts. She is as always amazed by how soft they are. Her tongue makes circles around one of the nipples and she starts sucking on it. Bernie is writhing impatiently underneath her. 

“Please Serena,” she whimpers short breathed. 

All these months of longing. For them both. Serena knows she can tease Bernie another time, making it last longer. But right now all she wants is to give Bernie the pleasure she pleads for. Her heartbeat speeds up as she continues further down Bernie’s exquisite body, kissing her abdomen on the way and settles between her legs. Looking up at the sight of Bernie, eyes almost black now, skin flushed and her chest raising and falling erratically, Serena feels it right between her own legs. She kisses her inner thighs gently before she finally lets her tongue slide into the wet heat, the sensation making her dizzy and her clit twitching. 

“Oh God, Serena!” Bernie cries out, her hips bucking wildly. Serena needs to hold her legs tight to keep her from bouncing off the bed. It feels like a dream to have Bernie again like this. No, even better than every dream and imagination that has gone through her mind these past months, and they have been many. Being with Bernie is beyond imagination. 

“Bernie,” she whispers hoarsely. “Bernie, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.” 

She licks and sucks on Bernie’s clit and the sounds coming from the woman underneath her are like nothing else. Bernie’s entire body is shaking and she comes with a shout, fingers digging deep into Serena’s shoulders. Serena inserts two fingers inside her and feels the walls still clenching, making her orgasm last longer. She takes Bernie in her arms after and holds her tight, Bernie still shaking a little. 

“Oh Serena, that was certainly worth travelling 6000 miles for,” Bernie says grinning as she comes to. Serena cannot hide the pleased smirk forming on her lips.

“My pleasure darling,” she replies softly stroking Bernie’s hair, a cluster of sweaty strands of hair clinging to her forehead. They lie silently together for a little while, stroking and kissing each other, and then Serena feels a shift in the woman in her arms. She looks at her, Bernie’s eyes are suddenly dangerously dark again and the way she moves her body leaves no question to what she is up to. Serena feels herself building up again rapidly. She was so turned on by making love to Bernie it practically takes no effort making her keen and she pants heavily as Bernie strokes along her abdomen and continues down to her inner thighs. Bernie kisses her neck, bites her gently on the spot by her ear she knows makes Serena see stars, and moves slowly down and takes a nipple in her mouth. 

“Oh Bernie!” Serena arches her back against the hand still placed on one of her thighs and as Bernie moves to lie on top of her she is unable to control her bucking hips, feeling mad with desire. 

“Please Bernie, don’t tease,” she begs. “I – I oh God Bernie!” Serena cries out as she feels Bernie stroking her wet curls before slipping two fingers deep inside her, starting a rhythm that makes her vision blurry. She feels herself build up more and more, the sensation so exquisite when Bernie curls her fingers inside her reaching the spot that no-one else has ever touched quite this way, and comes with a strangled cry. 

Bernie gathers her in her arms, whispering soft words of love and devotion in her ear. The aspect of possibly losing Bernie just a few days ago makes Serena’s heart sore and she pulls Bernie closer. 

“I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you,” she whispers, her voice trembling slightly. 

Bernie smiles and kisses her forehead.

“I’ll always love you too,” she replies softly. “For eternity.”

\-------------

Monday morning comes too soon. Or is it morning yet? It is still dark in the bedroom. Serena stretches out her sore, but very much satisfied, limbs and reaches for the woman she assumes is beside her but that side of the bed is empty. For a millisecond it is like a wave of panic hits her. Has Bernie already left? Was it all a dream? Then she hears a rumbling noise from outside the house before it is quiet again. 

“Sorry if I woke you dear,” Bernie is tip toing into the bedroom, slipping out of Serena’s bathrobe and slides under the warm duvet. They both naturally gravitate towards each other. Bernie’s body is slightly cold from being outside. 

“I suddenly realized we forgot to put the bins out last night.” 

“I love you for putting them out at this hour,” Serena replies softly, stroking Bernie’s back to warm her. “And I love you for many, many other reasons. Let me show you”. 

\---------------- 

They walk hand in hand at the train station, reaching the platform for the airport express. The train is estimated to leave in 3 minutes. They stop and turn to face each other, both unwilling to let go of the touch, the feeling of the other physically present. Bernie caresses Serena’s cheek with her thumb before she gently puts a kiss on her lips.

“See you in three months Serena.”  
Serena smiles broadly through tears as Bernie salutes her when she walks onto the train.  
This is not a goodbye, she thinks to herself. This is a hello to the future and she cannot wait for what it holds for them. 

As she watches the train disappear into the distance her phone makes a short beep. She opens the text message from Bernie: ‘Miss you already. #loveyou.’


End file.
